Draft- I mean drifting thoughts..
“Funny how when your life is mostly bullshit, you turn off
feeling.
Sometimes it's hard to turn it back on again.”
- Identical, Ellen Hopkins.
When did I stop
feeling? I wonder. Everything around here sums up to a circle, so I don’t have
much choice but to face the thoughts I’ve left behind once my walk come to its
end. I have gotten so used to having limitless possibilities of places to go,
to run away to, to leave everything behind in the past tense that this is now
driving me crazy. And everything is so green around here. It’s like the campus
is frozen in summer. I can’t wait for transitional seasons to come by: at least
something will be moving around here.
It is harder than I
thought to live on campus. For one thing, I am mostly left alone with myself.
Of all people, there is no worst companion then yourself when you feel icky.
Screw the “misery loves company” part. I’ve recently started to socialize with this typical nice guy. A friend of a friend of a... Well, you know the drill. It feels like the genuine friendliness everybody
express when they are first crammed up together in high school. Innocent
chatting. No insinuations behind each conversation. It was refreshing. Then, I
don’t know. I grew cold again. Numb.
This has become an accustomed
feeling. …why?
I’ve always loved meeting people. I still enjoy it. But underneath the enthusiasm, I don’t feel much. Emptiness.
When it hurts, it’s just my scars acting up. Or maybe some memories that wandered a bit too close to the cardiac system.
Do I believe in attachments?
I’ve seen it grow in others. I’ve seen it lost in others.
I’ve felt it.
Some time ago. A really long time ago.
What did it feel like? What is it supposed to be like?I’ve seen it grow in others. I’ve seen it lost in others.
I’ve felt it.
Some time ago. A really long time ago.
It’s scary, sometimes, for everything to be taken in so coldly like this. I wish I could warm up to something.
~ Tic, toc, goes the sleepless clock...
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