Hunger for a dream ... and papaya cake.
It’s just that.
“More and more,
it feels like I’m doing a really bad impersonation of myself.”
- Chuck Palahniuk, Asfixia
- Chuck Palahniuk, Asfixia
I
want … more. Now, hold on
before picturing someone engulfing food like a black hole. I meant, I want to be more. I tried to explain the feeling
to a close friend but misused the word “lonely”. I’m not quite sure which
adjective would fit this sensation. Have you ever heard that quote that “being
surrounded by the wrong people was the loneliest thing in the world?”. I don’t
mean that I’m ill-surrounded, not at all. For all the people that came and go,
I believe that contexts and situations have changed, and that’s fine. Life
happens. By “lonely”, I didn’t mean that I was craving for company. I meant
that I felt estranged from myself. A bit weary from the backlashes of ambition,
a trace of rumpled vanity, disappointed of where I got to given all the leverage that I had at my
disposition and, at the same time, a tad jaded from feeling that I’m trying to
become a figure I don’t recognize. Somewhere, in my mind, I’ll always be afraid
that I’ve been wasting my time. I feel like I am not enough, like this avidity
is ballooning and bursting through the cracks and scars of my skin. In 3 years,
I don’t want to be walking around broken. In 3 years, I want to have built something,
a mind, a person, an individual who can create, wonder and inspire.
 |
| Peek-a-boo. Talking about inspiration... |
“We’re all walking around with these glossy eyes. “I’m
just tired.” we say. But you know what? It’s bullshit. Yes, we are tired, but
it’s not all from lack of sleep. We are tired of waking up with nothing to look
forward to; tired of going to bed exhausted after doing a million things we
find no enjoyment in doing. We’re tired of this void, this emptiness that looms
over us even though our days are packed. We’re tired of the loneliness that
presses down on us even though we’re surrounded by dozens of people. So why
can’t we just say it? Humans are so afraid to look into each other’s eyes and
say “I am unhappy, I am broken.” We’ve been conditioned to associate pain with
weakness, sadness with coldness, loneliness with unworthiness, difference with
disease, as if these feelings are contagious, as if ambivalence is something
not to be felt but to be feared. Well, I say screw all of that. Screw the fear
of crying in a public place, screw the fake chipper voice, screw the lies we
spit out to cover our problems. We are humans. We are meant to feel. To feel
everything and to feel it all openly. We are not metal - we are flesh and bone.
Our boiled blood courses through our cold clammy hands. We are intricate and
beautiful and we should never hide our human parts because if we do, what’s
left to show?”
 |
| I wonder if those random cake intrusions hinder my philosophical credibility... |
I
want to feel now. I want to be
something now. I want to reach higher, that extra limestone footing on the
stone wall which uncovers a whole new scenery over the mundane canopy.
“Because there was a hunger in me to see everything and do everything. I wanted to be everyone I saw. I wasn't enough for me. Can you understand that?”
― Sidney Sheldon, Bloodline
…― Sidney Sheldon, Bloodline
...And I'm writing all of this
while munching on a slice of papaya cake. ‘Cause with so much overthinking, I
need some sugar to soothe my mind and the panic from having dropped my laptop
on the floor (imsosorrypleasepleasepleasedontdieonme).
Hush. …And carry on eating papaya
cake.
 |
| Papaya cake (: |
Papaya cake with rum glaze
Adapted from An Edible Mosaic
Ingredients:
Cake:
2 cups all-purpose flour
1/3 cup sweetened or unsweetened,
shredded coconut1.5 teaspoons baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon baking soda
2 tbsp oil
3/4 cup sugar
1 large egg
2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
1 tbsp rum
2 tbsp coconut water/milk/soymilk
2 cups fresh papaya in chunks
¾ cup vanilla yogurt
Glaze:
1 cup (115 g) powdered sugar
1-2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract 3-4 teaspoons rum
2 teaspoons water
Preparation:
2. Puree the papaya chunks, then mix in the coconut liquid
until smooth (unless you like having bites of fruit in your cake; personally, I
think it’s like a little tasty surprise so I don’t blend my purees to be
completely void of fruit morsels).
3. Whisk together the
flour, coconut, baking powder, salt, and baking soda in a medium bowl.
4. In a large bowl, whip the yogurt with the eggbeater for 1
minute (you want to incorporate air to make it lighter). If you have Ms. Marvel
arms you can try using the whisk. Add in the sugar and keep beating on medium
until it is well incorporated. Beat in the eggs until light and fluffy. Blend
in the oil until well mixed. Then, stir in the vanilla, rum extract and papaya
puree. Mix well.
5. Stir the dry ingredients into the wet, adding 1/3 at a time,
here being careful not to over-mix (think of this batter
as a half-way between muffin batter and cake mix).
6. Pour the batter into the prepared pan and bake until a
toothpick inserted inside comes out clean, about 45 to 55 minutes.
7. Cool 10 minutes in the pan, then transfer to a wire rack to
finish cooling.
8. Once the cakes are cooled (this is important. Otherwise the glaze will thin out upon contact with the warm surface and will just fall off the cake without sticking), whisk together all ingredients
for the glaze. Be careful to add the
liquids 1 teaspoon at the time, starting with the flavours. Mix
well after each addition to see if it has reached your desired glaze viscosity.
It seems that the humidity depending on whether you’re on high altitude or low
altitude changes how much liquid is needed for a good consistency. You can play
with the rum/water ratio :3 my ratio gives a
very strong alcohol taste during the first hours. It gets milder the next
day though.
9. Pour the glaze on top of the cakes and spread it evenly
across. Sprinkle the flaked coconut on top, if using.
10. Let the glaze set before cutting and serving; store refrigerated
after the first day (it has yogurt in it, sugar + a lot of moisture = spa time
for bacteria!)
About the Author
0 comments